Having sat through hundreds of speeches by members of Congress at an endless number of conferences, I consider myself a bit of an expert on how to deliver an inane six minutes of bloviating nonsense.

So, as a public service, here is my guide to writing a short presentation of doublespeak and nothing-speak that would make any obscure member of Congress a hit at CUNA's Governmental Affairs Conference or NAFCU's Congressional Caucus.

The Greeting

You've got to say “good morning” (or “good afternoon,” depending on the time of day) to the crowd and wait for a response. And when the predictable and unenthusiastic crowd responds, you complain and say “good morning” again. By now, the crowd just wants you to do your thing so they can hit the coffee station or the bar. After that, they'll respond with more gusto.

Home Team

Ask how many people from your home state are in the crowd. For instance, at the recent NAFCU Congressional Caucus, the always enthusiastic Rep. Gwen Moore (D-Wis.) yelled, “Any cheeseheads in the house?”

When it appears that there are only a few home state folks in the house, pretend to leave. Of course, you'll have to turn back around because whatever trade group you're addressing would remember your exit when it's time to hand out the campaign contribution checks.

Credit Union Chops

If you're talking to a credit union trade group, you've got to prove that you're one of them. Talk about how long you've been a credit union member. It's tough to beat Rep. Denny Heck (D-Wash.) or Rep. Moore in this category, however. Heck always reminds crowds that his first job was at a credit union. But Moore has him beat since she actually helped START a credit union.

Complain About Washington and Congress

These folks no doubt are frustrated with what's happening in our nation's capital or they wouldn't be there.

Heck told the NAFCU crowd that three things had a higher approval rating than Congress – North Korea, head lice and colonoscopies.

Of course, this is all for show because if Washington and Congress were that bad, what are you still doing there? Why not become a lobbyist and make lots and lots of money?

Why continue to work in a body that's less well-liked than head lice? Power? A paycheck? A car with a driver? Oh yeah, and maybe the desire to do something good.

Identify the Enemy

Make sure members of the crowd understand that you're not the one who is blocking all the cool legislation they want passed. If you're a House member, this is easy.

Always blame the Senate. Or you can blame the Democrats if you're a Republican and vice versa. If you really want to pin the blame on people, make it the Senate Democrats or the Senate Republicans.

Or, if you're at a loss for who to blame, pin the blame on President Trump, or even President Obama.

And you can always point the finger at the Senate filibuster. If they just changed the rules to eliminate the filibuster, all good legislation would pass.

The Good Fight

In closing, make sure the crowd knows you're not giving up. You're there to fight for them no matter how high the odds are. If you're really brave, take a few questions. Be sure to say nice things to the questioner and if the query is too hard, don't answer it.

Make sure to thank the organization and wave on the way out the door.

Remembering Pete Domenici

Pete Domenici was a legislator from a different era. He was a Republican who worked with Democrats at a time when it was OK to do that. And he made the legislative process work.

The former six-term senator died Sept. 13 at the age of 85 from complications from abdominal surgery. Domenici, who left the Senate in 2008, had suffered from a rare form of dementia for several years.

He served as chairman of the Senate Budget Committee for 22 years and not only did Congress pass budget resolutions when he led the panels, he reached an agreement with the Clinton Administration that actually balanced the budget.

And he succeeded in pushing legislation that provided parity in mental health coverage, working with the late Sen. Paul Wellstone (D-Minn.), one of the Senate's most liberal members, to do it. Wellstone didn't live to see the legislation enacted, as he died in a plane crash in 2002.

It's hard to see how that type of bipartisanship would be allowed these days. But it was personal for the two since each had family members who suffered from mental illness.

He engendered tremendous loyalty among staff, some of whom stayed with him for more than a decade. And he got along with journalists (another plus, of course).

Yes, Domenici's legacy was tarnished a bit when, in 2013, it was revealed he had fathered a child with the daughter of a colleague in the 1970s. And he ran afoul of Senate ethics rules once.

Domenici, a former minor league pitcher, didn't take himself or others too seriously. One year as Budget Chairman, Domenici found himself sitting across from the always frenetic House Budget Chairman John Kasich of Ohio at a table. Kasich, now governor of his home state, was known for being a ball of energy.

When Kasich asked a staff member to get him a cup of coffee, Domenici directed the staff member “to make sure it was decaf.”

And legend has it that during budget negotiations with the Clinton Administration, Domenici would relish the opportunity to talk Italian with Leon Panetta, who served as Budget Director and White House Chief of Staff in that administration. And some even claimed that the two playfully cursed at each other in ways that no one else in the room understood.

David Baumann is a Correspondent-at-Large for CU Times. He can be reached at [email protected].