Retirement means a lot of waking hours to fill withactivities that have always been on the to-do list, such as hiking,exploring new destinations, or making a year-long road trip in anRV, right? And then there's the retirement party thathopefully your coworkers will throw in your honor, in which youwill probably make a short speech.

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In the end, it doesn't really matter if you're planning forretirement or just looking for an afternoon pick-me-up, we havecompiled a list of the funniest jokes and quotes about retirementthat we could dig up. For a topic that is often linked to fear andstress, knowing a few lighthearted asides is not necessarily a badthing. You may even want to integrate these jokes as ice breakerswhen networking or giving a presentation.

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What are your favorite jokes about retirement? Leave them in thecomments section below. Who knows, maybe your joke will be featuredin our next “best of” series.

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Who ya gonna call? Flyswatters!

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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled upnewspaper round his head.

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Wife: “What are you doing dear?”

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Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”

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Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender theywere?”

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Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two wereon the phone.”

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(From Guy-Sports.com)

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A not-so-niceCanadian?

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An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locatehis passport in his carry-on bag.

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“You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officerasked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been toFrance previously.

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“Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”

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The Canadian said, “The last time I was here, I didn't have toshow it.”

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“Impossible, Canadians always have to show their passports onarrival in France!”

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The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then hequietly explained, “Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D-Dayin 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find anyFrenchmen to show it to.”

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(From Unijokes.com)

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It hurts allover!

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The retired guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I ache allover. Everywhere I touch it hurts.”

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The doctor replies, “OK. Touch your elbow.” The guy touches hiselbow and winces in genuine pain.

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The doctor, surprised, then states, “Touch your head.”

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The guy touches his head and jumps in agony. The doctor asks himto touch his knee and the same thing happens. Everywhere the guytouches he hurts a lot.

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The doctor is stumped and orders a complete examination withX-rays, etc. He tells the guy to come back in two days.

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Two days later the guy comes back and the doctor declares,“We've found your problem.”

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“Oh yeah? What is it?” asks the retiree.

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“You've broken your finger!”

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(From Retirement-quotes.com)

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What is a“weekend”?

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“The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” –Abe Lemons

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(From Unijokes.com)

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Zing! One-liners:

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Question: Why do retirees smile all the time?

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Answer: Because they can't hear a word you're saying!

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Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?

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Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on thecouch.

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Question: Why don't retirees mind being called seniors?

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Answer: The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

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Question: How do you know you're old enough to retire?

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Answer: Instead of lying about your age, you start braggingabout it!

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(From Jokes4us.com)

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“I'm 103 yearsold.”

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A reporter was interviewing a 103-year-old woman. “And what doyou think is the best thing about being 103?” the reporterasked.

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She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”

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(From Jokes4us.com)

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What is a TV?

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Back in my day, we didn't watch TV while we ate dinner. Weactually talked to each other. It was awful.

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(From Onelinefun.com)

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Albert's retirement partypresentation

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“Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to ourcompany. Albert is someone who does not know the meaning ofimpossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, whodoes not understand the meaning of the word no. So we have clubbedtogether and bought Albert a dictionary.”

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(From Guy-Sports.com)

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Thou dost better study-eth…

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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a wholelot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me … they werecramming for their finals.

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(From Onelinefun.com)

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Getting a greateducation…

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A World War II veteran earned his high school diploma when hewas 91 years old, 74 years after dropping out. When asked whathappens next, he said: “College girls.”

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(From Jokes4us.com)

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What happens in Vegas or themountains will come back …

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One weekend Joe was enticed to go skiing with an oldacquaintance, Rolly. They loaded up Rolly's truck and headed intothe mountains. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in aterrible blizzard as they approached the foothills.

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They pulled into a nearby farm. An attractive retired womananswered the door. Joe and Rolly asked if they could spend thenight.

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“I know that it's terrible weather out there and I have thishuge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,” she explained.“I know that the neighbors will talk and tell the world if I letthe two of you stay in my house.”

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“Don't worry,” Joe replied. “The two of us will be happy tosleep in the barn. Once the weather breaks, we will be out of hereimmediately headed for the mountains.” The woman agreed, and Joeand Rolly settled in for the night.

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Early morning arrived and the weather had cleared. Joe and Rollyleft without saying goodbye. They made it safely to the mountainsand enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

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Nine months later, Joe got an unexpected letter from anattorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but hefinally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractivewidow that Rolly and he had met on the ski weekend.

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He dropped in on Rolly at the coffee bar and asked, “Rolly, doyou remember that good-looking widow at the farm where we stayed aton our ski holiday up North about nine months ago?”

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“Of course I do,” replied Rolly.

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“I am just curious,” stated Joe. “Did you happen to get up inthe middle of the night, while I was fast asleep, and go up to thehouse and pay her a visit?”

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“Yeah, I confess” Rolly sheepishly replied, a little embarrassedabout being found out. “I admit that I did.”

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“And did you happen to use my name,” continued Joe with hisquestioning, “instead of telling her your real name?”

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Rolly's face turned red and he said, “Yeah, look, I'm sorry, oldbuddy. I'm afraid I did. By the way, what brought this up? Why doyou ask?”

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“She just died,” declared Joe, “and left me everything in herwill.”

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(From Retirement-quotes.com)

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What a (lower back) pain…

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You're over the hill when your back goes out more than youdo.

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(From Pruneville.com)

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It's all about using the rightwords…

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Girl: My grandfather lived for 96 years and he never usedglasses.

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Boy: Yeah I know. Few people drink directly from the bottle.

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(From Onelinefun.com)

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A. A. A. D. D. – ClassicRetirement Syndrome

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Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. – Age-ActivatedAttention Deficit Disorder.

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This is how it manifests itself:

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I decide to water my garden.

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As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car anddecide my car needs washing.

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As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on theporch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.

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I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

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I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in thetrash bin under the table, and notice that the bin is full.

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So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out thetrash first.

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But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when Itake out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

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I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is onlyone check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so Igo inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that Ihad been drinking.

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I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push theCoke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see thatthe Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in therefrigerator to keep it cold.

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As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers onthe counter catches my eye: They need to be watered.

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I place the Coke down on the work surface, and I discover myreading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

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I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm goingto water the flowers.

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I set the glasses back down on the work top, fill a containerwith water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone has left iton the kitchen table.

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I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be lookingfor the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchentable, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'llwater the flowers.

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I pour some water in the flower vase, but quite a bit of itspills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table,get some towels and wipe up the spill.

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Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I wasplanning to do.

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At the end of the day:

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The car isn't washed.

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The bills aren't paid.

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There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the work surface.

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The flowers don't have enough water.

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There is still only one check in my checkbook.

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I can't find the TV remote.

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I can't find my glasses and I don't remember what I did with thecar keys.

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Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today. I'mreally baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I'mreally tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try toget some help for it, but first I'll check my email.

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P.S. I just remembered I left the water running…

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(From Guy-Sports.com)

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Young vs. old (rooster)

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A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud roosterfor his chicken coop to replace an old rooster who was pretty muchin retirement.

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The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says: “OK,old fart, time for you to retire for good. You should have been inretirement a long time ago.”

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The old rooster replies: “Come on, surely you cannot handle allof these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just letme have the two old hens and three or four young hens? This willsave you from having to enter retirement before your time.”

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The young rooster says: “Beat it: You are washed up and I amtaking over. Full retirement will do you good.”

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The old rooster says: “I tell you what, young stud. I will raceyou around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domainover the entire chicken coop.”

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The young rooster laughs and says: “You know you don't stand achance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a headstart.”

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The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later theyoung rooster takes off running after him. They round the frontporch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. Heis only about five feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the frontporch when he sees the roosters running by.

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The old rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can. Thefarmer grabs his shotgun and — BOOM! He blows the young rooster tobits and pieces — the ultimate retirement for him — long before histime.

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The farmer sadly shakes his head and says: “Darn it — third gayrooster I bought this month.”

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The moral of this story is: Don't mess with the older, retiredindividuals of this world. Age, skill, wisdom, and a littletreachery always overcome youth and arrogance.

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(From Retirement-quotes.com)

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The perfect answering servicerecording

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“I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enoughto call. I am making some changes in my life. Pleaseleave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call,you are one of the changes.”

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(From Retirement-online.com)

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Practice makes perfect.

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A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursinghomes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and tookhis portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funnysongs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said in farewell,“I hope you get better.” One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope youget better, too.”

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(From Unijokes.com)

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Remixes of famoussongs:

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“You're So Varicose Vein” by Carly Simon.

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“How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?” by the BeeGees.

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“I Can't See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash.

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“These Boots Give Me Arthritis” by Nancy Sinatra.

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“Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom” by theCommodores.

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“I Get By with a Little Help from Depends” by the Beatles.

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“Talking' About My Medication” by the Who.

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“Bald Thing” by the Troggs.

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“You Can't Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones.

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“I Heard It through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye.

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(From Jokes4us.com)

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When the retirement age comesaround…

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What is so special about the age 65?

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It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to loseone's job through forced retirement.

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(From Retirement-quotes.com)

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20 perks of being over 60…

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Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

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In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

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No one expects you to run — anywhere.

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People call at 9pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”

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People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

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There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

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Things you buy now won't wear out.

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You can eat dinner at 4pm.

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You cannot live without your glasses.

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You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

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You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

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You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

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You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walksinto the room.

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You sing along with elevator music.

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Your eyes won't get much worse.

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Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to payoff.

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Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the NationalWeather Service.

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Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can'tremember them either.

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Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageablesize.

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You can't remember the Website where you saw this list.

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(From Unijokes.com)

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If Grandpa Joe could hear us … oh, hecan?

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An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems for anumber of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aidthat would return his hearing to 100 percent.

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The elderly gentleman went back for further tests a month laterand the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must bereally pleased that you can hear again.”

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To which the gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven't told my familyyet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I'vechanged my will three times!”

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(From Jokes4us.com)

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Not retiring any time soon…

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What do you call a worker who is of retirement age, hates hisjob, and refuses to retire?

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Flat broke!

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(From Retirement-quotes.com)

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Murphy's law…

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Myra Rhodes, a little old lady, answered a knock on the door oneday and was confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying avacuum cleaner.

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“Good morning, ma'am,” said the young man. “If I could take acouple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the verylatest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”

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“Go away!” said Myra. “I'm broke and haven't got any money,” andshe proceeded to close the door.

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Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door andpushed it wide open. “Don't be too hasty,” he commanded. “Not untilyou have at least seen my demonstration.” And with that, he emptieda bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

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“Now, if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of thishorse manure from your carpet, ma'am, I will personally eat theremainder,” he said.

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Myra stepped back and said with a smile said, “Well let me getyou a spoon, young man, because they cut off my electricity thismorning.”

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(From Guy-Sports.com)

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In world withoutMondays…

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Hey, retired guy, how many days are there in a week?

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Retiree's answer: Six Saturdays and one Sunday.

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(From Retirement-online.com)

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For the rest of your life,until your next refill …

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A distraught senior phoned her doctor's office.

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“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication youprescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”

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“Yes, I'm afraid so,” the doctor told her.

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There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,“I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because thisprescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.”

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(From Unijokes.com)

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There's always one joke aboutlightbulbs…

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How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

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Only one, but it will take him two or three days to complete thejob.

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(From Retirement-quotes.com)

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Truth …

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The best time to start thinking about your retirement is beforethe boss does.

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(From Unijokes.com)

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What happens after eachprofession retires…

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Golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.

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Lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.

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Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance.

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Bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest.

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Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.

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Teachers don't retire, they just mark time.

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Roofers don't retire, they just wipe the slate clean.

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Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.

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Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.

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Musicians never retire, they just decompose.

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Farmers never retire, they just go to seed.

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Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.

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Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.

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Painters never retire, they just put a gloss on it.

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Tree surgeons never retire, they just branch out.

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(From Guy-sports.com)

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Not blaming inflation, but…

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An elderly man remembers the good old days: “When I was young,my mom could send me to a shop with a single dollar bill and Iwould bring back five pounds of potatoes, two pounds of bread, abottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that'simpossible – there are simply to many security cameras.”

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(From Unijokes.com)

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Even if you don't have the “Heart ofthe Ocean” necklace…

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An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She toldthe artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace,emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.”

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“But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied theartist.

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“I know,” she said. “It's in case I should die before myhusband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his newwife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

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(From Unijokes.com)