I celebrated my 20th year of marriage this week. While I couldgo on and on about how wonderful my wife is to have put up with mefor the last 20+ years, I would rather spend a little energypulling some lessons I have learned about healthy relationships andsharing them here.

Whether you love them or hate them…there are good lessons to belearned from relationship books. I'll try to be a little more tothe point than those but still show how good personal relationshippractices are just as valid in member relationship building.

Be stable but change. A good relationship isbuilt on trust, which is developed over time by staying true tocertain established patterns. Break an established pattern withoutmutual agreement and you break the trust. On the other hand, if youonly always do what you have always done, the relationshipstagnates or deteriorates for one or both parties as changing needsgo unmet (or worse, are met by an outside party). You have to growas the relationship grows, developing new skills to match thegrowth of your partner, but within the bounds of the relationship'srules (and both parties have their own set of rules).

Lesson for CUs: Understand what expectationsyou create with your members (good and bad) and be sure you likethe relationship patterns you are establishing. If you want tochange established patterns, make sure you communicate themproperly or expect bad reactions from those whose trust is low.Also, keep an eye on the changing needs of your members and youmarket and be ready to meet those needs when the time is right forthem. In other words don't force a new online only account on amember who just got their first computer.

Show appreciation constantly but appropriately.Genuine appreciation goes a long way in a relationship, but it istricky to show it properly. It really depends on the partner'sstyle. Do they just want a nice note or small gift at randomintervals, or do they want a big show of affection for everyrelationship milestone big and small. In the book The 5 LoveLanguages, author Gary Chapman details five different waysthat people communicate and understand love. The better you matchtheir preferred “love language” the easier it is to make them feelloved. It is a remarkably simple concept, yet tricky to practicewell.

Lesson for CUs: Marketers understand that eachcustomer responds differently to incentives and rewards, but do avery poor job customizing offers by customer. Mass customization isthe key to improving ROI of loyalty/reward programs. Don't make itwork in only one channel, either. Your program has to make themfeel loved in the branch, on the phone and online.

Know when and how to apologize. Let's face it.In any long-term relationship you are going to make mistakes. Ifyou are a guy, you are going to make lots of them. That's OK.Mistakes allow you the opportunity to learn where the boundaries ofthe relationship are. You must learn from your mistakes andapologize appropriately for the situation. In How to Be anAdult in Relationships, David Richo said that sometimes theappropriate response to diffuse a fruitless argument is a simple“you may be right”. The key is to understand when and how toapologize to show you genuinely want to keep the relationshiphealthy.

Lesson for CUs: Study after study shows thathow you recover from a problem (whether caused by the member or byyou) can either strengthen or weaken the customer relationship. Icould go on and on about this one. More relationships are lost bynot properly handling the challenge presented by members with aproblem. Become a problem resolution expert and make sure yourstaff is trained in a problem resolution process that createsownership of the problem and includes a sincere apology… or atleast acknowledgement that the member has been negatively affectedby the problem.

These aren't all the lessons I have learned over the years …just some of the biggest ones that I see credit unions could learnfrom as well. Maybe it is time for managers and executives to putdown the management books and start reading a few relationshipbooks. You could try one of the ones I've mentioned if you feel youjust need a little help, or if you feel you need a lot of helpmaybe it is time for Relationship Rescue by PhilMcGraw!

JimCraig is a former credit union marketing vice president who nowheads up the new Interactive division at Geezeo.